into and out of

Listening to life is cumbersome.

A constant in the midst of change has been the ability for me to set aside time during the week to re-connect with others and most importantly where I am. Fortunately, over the past that time has fallen on Tuesday. It is a day that had always snuck in the back door allowing a few hours to slow down, breath and listen to the natural rhythms of the week, month and year. It has been a time, that for some strange reason, still creates a ting to my very soul that something very sad and very beautiful might just happen.

Combing through the past, and grasping for some sort of explanation, the ting of Tuesday has always been original to me, I owned it. Tuesday is my time, it was time that went uninterrupted, overall it was a brief moment that I felt comfortable with me being me.

I say all this, because I am learning a great lesson at an untimely moment-it is easy to destroy what has taken years to build.

At first I stumbled into Tuesday, most times feeling like the awkward drunk uncle who showed up to the family reunion talking nonsense about his ex-wife while sneaking away to make out with his girlfriend. But then something magical happened, the awkwardness started to become normal and that drunk feeling was replaced by friends who had once fallen in that hole as well. And as all good things, the present and future transitioned to the past, memories were created and the idea of who I was becoming felt natural.

If you are anything like me, I suspect that you know the amount of time that is invested in becoming the most natural you you can become. So, knowing that, you too would know the importance of sustainability.

And this leads me to my current state.

Do you ever have those moments where you find yourself doing something that goes against your complete philosophy of how life should be?

And do you ever feel in those moments that something was lost deep within never to find it's rightful place again?

And furthermore, do you ever distrust yourself because you knew that you just sold the very thing you vowed to never pawn, no matter how bad things became?

And this is how I am destroying what has taken years to build...

I am taking a class on Tuesday night. A little embarrassed by the class, not because of topical issues, but the overtness of how programmatic this class is. To be precise, the programmatic aspect is not in class structure, but in execution of topic. [If you are lucky enough my wife will 'spill the beans' as to the topic of the class]. And if you know me, you would suspect at this point, I value program until it becomes evil to the natural honest flow of my spiritual journey.

'It's only a matter of time before you drink the Kool-Aid"

Upon the second week of class I understand how easy I can accept the program. It's easier to have someone tell you what to do...in essence to still be a kid as an adult having the real adults do your parenting for you. Which only leads to manipulation and abandonment of self, ultimately leading to a false sense of maturity dependent on allowing people to prescribe what you should do rather than describing who a healthy person is.

However I found myself in the class, I'd rather not think about, but the fact remains that I continue to show up. I feel that as each week passes those things that took so long to find their rightful place, are slowly being displaced. My only horizon of hope at this point, is that by the end of the class the displacement won't turn into forever lost. This seems like a no brainer idea right - just quit the class!

But the tension resides in the commitment and putting myself into something that I hope to get something out of.

Maybe this is just a gentle reminder that I can still make bad decisions. Maybe, just maybe, this is a reflection of the grander picture of the direction life is heading and a sign post flashing "wrong way turn around and go back".

Need I say it again? Listening to life is cumbersome.